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I have a problem. Maybe it’s a ‘me’ problem. Maybe you share it. I don’t know you that well. I wish I did, because you seem great. But I consistently find myself playing games that everyone says I’m supposed to like but that I actually don’t, but then I feel bad because I feel like that game is supposed to be ‘good for me’. No matter how many people are playing a game concurrently, no matter how many awards it gets nominated for, I need to stop treating some games like I’m eating vegetables.
Two quick things before you jump into the comments section to tell me that nobody is forcing me to play games I don’t enjoy. One, yes, I know. I’m aware I don’t even need to play anything because it doesn’t matter and, more importantly, I don’t matter. Two, I want to enjoy these games! I see how much fun and joy people get out of something like Call of Duty — a series I’ve tried to get into so many times and bounced off of like a loser — and I want that feeling, too!
I’ve even watched videos to help me just understand everything better. Not to get good! To just… somehow trick myself into enjoying something? I’ve played with friends, too. Somehow the series has never quite clicked with me, but here I am, playing every entry in the series for a few hours before going, “Oh, right. This isn’t for me.”
It’s Not Gaming’s Fault, It’s Me
Let me reiterate: I know, I know, nobody is tying me to a chair Clockwork Orange-style and threatening me with electric shocks unless I pick up those sticks. But some of these games are such a big part of the gaming culture that I feel like I’d be a better person for enjoying them, which is a piping hot serving of stupid.
Another example: regardless of whether I get it on PlayStation Plus, Game Pass, or just buy it during a Steam sale, I keep giving the Assassin’s Creed series a go because, well, it’s this giant series that a lot of people seem to love. Not everyone! Oh, I read the news! But it still bothers me a little that it mostly gives me the pleasure of gym class in middle school. And before you tell me which one to play, I’ve already tried that.
Obviously, this isn’t a problem with the games themselves. Or, at the very least, I am not the arbiter of what is fun and what is not fun. But like when I see giant bestsellers in the bookstore or the biggest movies of the year, I want to be in on the conversation. I would love to love League of Legends and be able to watch the matches with the same interest and love that so many fans do.
But when I make myself play it out of a feeling of GOOD PLAYER OBLIGATION, it’s no different than forcing myself to read a very famous old novel: I can tell why it’s good. I can tell why people like it. It’s just self-defeating that I feel guilty for not liking it.
The Only One Who Cares About This Is Me, And Who Cares What I Think
Maybe that’s the feeling: guilt. I feel like I’m an uncultured swine for not enjoying some of the games that dominate the conversation. Even games like the aforementioned Call of Duty which I know are not quite considered the highest art. Hell, there are games that I’m made to love like Marvel Rivals and even there it just didn’t catch me. I love comics! I loved Overwatch!
And yet it’s like standing outside a window while people inside are having lots of fun. What I should be doing is saying, “Well, not everything is for you, Mike!” Instead, what I’m saying is, “You’re a failure for not enjoying everything at all times.” Why do I beat myself up?
It’s not even that I’m bad at all of them, although I am certainly bad at some of them. I wish it was just that I sucked or the games sucked, because that would be an easier way out for not liking something. But I’m someone who collapses inward, not outward. If I don’t like it, I make it my fault.
Unfortunately, knowing I could finish the game if I just put my nose to the grindstone is part of what makes me feel bad. And, of course, there’s the unending cycle of buying a game, not playing enough of it, feeling bad about that, and then buying another game that I think I’m supposed to draw hearts around in my journal. Also my fault, also a me problem, also something stupid.
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I just need to get over myself with this stupid crap. It’s a waste of time and money and guilt that nobody cares about. I’m a 41-year-old bald man with no future pretending like playing all of the Trails games will suddenly make me a more rounded human being. As if pushing myself to play Path of Exile 2 will fix me like a romantic lead in a movie.
As if on my death bed I’ll hold the hand of the AI nurse robot and whisper, “My only regret is not forcing myself to play Phasmophobia more than the five or six sessions with my increasingly frustrated brother who promised me it was going to blow my mind.” And even if I did, it’s not like the robot’s going to care. They’re video games: I should be enjoying them, not punishing myself for not treating them like mandatory reading material in a college class.
