When England's quarter-final Euros match with Switzerland went to penalties, I thought we would win. It's an odd feeling, being English and thinking that way, having seen us eliminated five times on penalties without reply in my lifetime. But something changed in 2018. Something with Pickford in goal. Dare I say, something with Southgate.
Prior to his successful (despite what some will tell you) stint as England manager, Southgate's international career was defined by his mea culpa role in one of those five shootouts. Maybe it's something you can only learn through suffering. Maybe our luck has turned. Maybe Pickford is a very good goalkeeper. Whatever the cause, in the four shootouts we've had since, we've now won three, with Pickford even saving twice in the defeat.
I think I love penalties now. Palmer, Bellingham, Saka, Toney, Alexander-Arnold. It was never in doubt. Sufferball me all the way to the Henri Delaunay. Those five all took brilliant penalties, and three are regular takers for their clubs. With Kane on the bench, England have an embarrassment of spot kick specialists in the ranks, so that got me thinking — who are gaming's best penalty takers?
Sorry to our American readers for writing about 'soccer'. Not because I take the stereotyped view that Americans know nothing about the sport, but because you've just witnessed your USMNT put up a sorry performance in the Copa America and get dumped out at the first hurdle by Panama, while your Canadian brothers to the north march to a semi-final.
Crash Bandicoot — Crash Bandicoot
The best advice for a penalty is 'don't overthink it'. I love Cole Palmer, but it's amazing he became such an excellent footballer on a diet that presumably consists of crayons and red sauce. The reason he's so effective at international level is because he does not conform to systems or rules. He is many things, but an overthinker is not one of them.
While Foden is doing maths equations in his head just like Uncle Pep taught him, Palmer runs and runs and runs for fun and fun and fun. He spins, he slides, he double jumps, he somehow gets a jet pack. Look, now he's underwater! He's a marsupial maverick, and plays football with the energetic freedom of a PS1 mascot. Crash is the perfect pick to go first. He's never going to overthink it.
Thane Krios — Mass Effect
Of course, not everyone has the luxury of not overthinking it. Bravery and guts and all those buzzwords aside, England went through because they had regular pen takers and natural ball-striking technicians in their midst. Though Jude Bellingham's confidence is loud where Thane's is quiet, both are highly efficient operators who are always in the right place at the right time. Deadly, accurate, calm under pressure, and technically perfect. A silent assassin. A clutch penalty taker. 'Who else?' indeed.
Doomguy — Doom
What must have been going through Bukayo Saka's head as he stepped up against Switzerland? Utilised as a RW, RM, RWB, LWB, and LB at the Euros so far, he has shone as England's best player. As the performance fell apart and other big names faltered, he kept them in it with five minutes to go. And he cost them three years ago with that final, fatal penalty against Italy. He must still see the crossbar rattle in his sleep.
He was not facing off against Yann Sommer when he placed the ball on that spot, but his own personal demons. Still a young man at just 22, he had a lot to exorcise as the referee's whistle blew. He has been through hell and come back, and slayed the demons in his wake. Doomguy the Starboy.
Sub-Zero — Mortal Kombat
As Ivan Toney showed us, to take a penalty, you need ice in your veins and a killer instinct. When Sub-Zero steps up, he doesn't miss. He doesn’t even see the ball. He gives the keeper Toney's death stare and slots the ball home without blinking. The fourth penalty is most frequently the Fatality slot (though England required a fifth perfect penalty), so is a natural spot for Toney. I mean, Sub-Zero.
Hornet — Fighters Megamix
Underappreciated. Overlooked. Played out of position. There when called upon. Trent Alexander-Arnold. That car in that Sega fighting game that one time. Pressure? What pressure? Pressure is for tyres!
